Knowing what “thing” makes us feel whole.

I left my full-time job a month ago and ever since then I’ve felt like a firmly have one hand on the steering wheel while the other hand is sticking out of the window trying to grab on to the next thing at high speed…its unnerving. And exciting. And exhausting.

I have always been someone who internalized the stress around me and clung to it. It comes with the territory of having a brain that’s both incredibly creative and also never ‘stops’. The ADHD gift and curse I’ve come to view as a critical part to my success, and my anxieties.

So as I’ve entered this time in my life that I’ve been quietly building for years, I’m yet again prioritizing horses. Horses are my protected space. The thing that brings my head that’s stuck in the clouds back to the ground.

I’ve been obsessing over a few fears lately…

“Will this steam engine I’ve built suddenly de-rail?”

“Yes, the first month of business went beyond my wildest dreams of success but is that just a fluke??”

“Will it always feel this stressful to own my own dreams?”

….and despite every other waking moment feeling like my brain is a constant switchboard reverting back to those thoughts, when I went riding yesterday, it all turned off. The noise went away. I could just be in nature, with my horse, with my dogs, and actually with myself again.

I’m sure so many riders can relate. Yes, we love our horses. We love the barns, the rides, the culture.

But really, what I think a lot of us love most, is the quiet. And is knowing exactly what “thing” makes us feel whole again.